HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE TOO FAST....

George Phillips, an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Wisdom by Maxine

Last night my sister and I were in the den, discussing growing old. I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, constantly on some machine, with fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. If that ever happens, just pull the plug!"

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch!

One of my favourite singers

Nance is bugging me again

My sister Nance is bugging me again to blog. I have been so negligent - there is just a lot going on right now and my mind can't handle one more thing. So, I received some great pics today. So for all of you who check here regularly, I'll add three pics a day for you to look at.

Simple Mathematics

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience. It has an indisputable mathematical logic. This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Better than a flu shot

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice ', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

Retirement Planning

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer/wine one year ago, drank all the beer/wine, then turned in the cans/bottlesfor the recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to Drink heavily and recycle.

To all my friends and family who have sent me best 'wishes', chain letters, 'angel' letters or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something, guess what?

NONE OF THAT SHIT WORKED!

Could you please just send Rum, chocolate, airline tickets, or a tank of gas instead?

Thank you!

Blogging from Prison

I read this morning that Conrad Black is blogging from prison. Shit, that sounds like fun.

So I get this email from my sister the other day nagging me because I haven't been blogging much lately and she checks everyday. I've been so busy with work that most of the humour has left my life, and the last thing you all want to read is a boring list of all the things I have to do today and why I don't have time to blog.

The obvious solution is to go to prison.

I mean think about it - someone like me - whose description of the perfect day is sitting for twelve hours in front of the computer, writing - it's a no brainer.

There would be no housework to do except I think they give you a chore like laundry (which I have to do here anyway) and it would take a total of three seconds to clean my room.

Apparently, there is also time to exercise each day. A forced exercise break. Imagine that? I'd love it! I've heard they've got nice gym equipment there, too, treadmills and elipticals, better stuff than I can afford to buy.

And then somebody would make my meals. Hear that? Someone else does the cooking! And probably the dishes, too. And then with no men around that means no sports on T.V. This sounds really good.

I think I'd adjust fine. I'm not a fussy eater, I don't smoke, don't do drugs and could easily quit my wine habit. I cut my hair short already and barely comb it and I wear sweatsuits most days. As long as I could take my computer along I'd be just fine. A three year sentence would be about right. I could finish all the novels I've started and write a flippin' fantastic blog.

Just think of it: "Life is Pretty Damn Interesting Inside these Prison Walls."

I could interview inmates, talk about their crimes, report on the day-to-day fights and shit that goes on. People love to talk about themselves and I'm a great listener so that would be my strategy for making friends.

Just so long as I don't have to participate in any of the squirmishes I'd be okay. I'd have to establish right off the bat that I'm just there as an observer - kinda like the reporter who goes to war with the troops but doesn't have to do any actual fighting.

I could offer to do all kinds of things in jail: I could teach a fitness class or do some personal training; help them set up a prison newspaper; teach a computer class; offer a creative writing workshop; evaluate a few manuscripts (I'm not qualifed to do any of this in regular society) but I figure, besides Conrad, how many people with my experience are locked up? Most writers end up in the looney bin or rehab. There is a real need for someone with my skills in prison.

And at the very least, I could bring along a few of my favourite recipes and whip up a pan of 'the cake with the yellow icing' during my turn in the kitchen (that is if I can get some coconut smuggled in). And my homemade fudge is TO DIE FOR. I could trade it for pretty much anything, like office supplies.

Now the question is: How do I get there.

I'm pretty squeamish so there can't be any blood involved. It would definitely have to be white collar crime. And should involve huge amounts of money. Of course the bonus would be if I could skim off and hide enough to pay off the farm in the process, it would make three years in the Big House worthwhile. I mean otherwise, we're looking at another 10 years of hard labour . . .

My strategy for getting along would include befriending the toughest inmate and the guards. It would be pretty easy to get on the good side of the guards because I'm quite helpful and don't mind being bossed around, so long as my efforts are appreciated. I'd also have to somehow let them all know that I have no interest in being anybody's Bitch. I mean, that would be pretty gross, so I'd have to take along my runners just in case. And of course that's why becoming best friends with one of the guards (preferrably a heterosexual female) would be my top priority.

Yes, if I went to jail my writing career would just take right off.

Excuse me now while I log off and do a search for "White Collar Crime for Dummies." Or maybe I'll just email Conrad . . .

Reporting Live from Momentum 2008 . . .

Fifteen years ago I stopped teaching fitness classes.

It wasn't a hard decision to make because life had become so complicated and difficult that I really had no choice. I've always looked back on those years with fondness though, and today when I walked through the doors at the Manitoba Fitness Council's 2008 Conference, it was as if I'd never left.

By the late 1980s I was teaching regular classes in town and attending every seminar and conference that was available. I could not get enough of it. I started a newsletter for Manitoba Fitness Leaders called "Fitnews." It was popular with leaders and grew to the point that I had to have it professionally printed. That is what led me to the folks that I became partners with in the printing and newspaper business in Ashern - hence the chaos that removed me from the fitness scene.

Two months ago when the MCPA decided to send the booth to this conference I was thrilled. In fact, I nearly jumped out of my seat at the Board Meeting when it came up. Not only was I looking forward to re-connecting with a part of my life that has at times felt completely forgotten, but it is a most excellent place to promote the health benefits of eating beef. Many people don't realize how seriously fitness instructors and personal trainers are about their work - these are well-informed professionals who wield tremendous influence - people you want on 'your side.'

Fortunately, the beef industry is producing a better product and doing a better job promoting it. I put together packages of information that I knew these instructors would read and then copy to distribute to their clients.

When I arrived first thing this morning, I recognized the energy immediately and some of the faces. I was thrilled to see Suzanne Peltier DiLazzaro - a good friend who I lost touch with after my exit from the fitness circuit (photo). The funny part is that both Suzanne and I were there manning a booth in the trade show - she quit teaching around the same time I did. We reminisced over lunch and I asked if she had seen Ruth lately. Ruth Brown (now Asper) owned Tights Studio on Stradbrook during the 1980s & 1990s. She was a fabulous instructor and I always admired her . . . Suzanne has seen Ruth periodically over the years because both are hockey moms.

In the way that life seems to come full circle, Ruth showed up at the conference to take in a few sessions. Now she is a personal trainer and I'm sure she is doing quite well.

So, I am having a fabulous day. I'm already planning to re-organize my exercise area in the basement and just might run by Costco on my way home and pick up the Norditrack treadmill that I've been eyeing the last few months.

I feel I am back on track . . .

Twenty years ago, almost to the day that I started the printing business that changed my life, I'm ready to go back to what started it all in the first place. I doubt that I'll ever teach again, at least not while living on the farm (when we retire, maybe?) but I've never thought that my time away from fitness was permanent. Now I know for sure that it will always be an important part of my life.

Suzanne & Ruth

Reporting Live from Momentum 2008 . . .

Canadian Idol

I watch Canadian Idol every year starting at the top 10. This year I watched a young man from Lethbridge sing "Collide" on the first show and fell absolutely in love with his voice. In my opinion, every other Canadian Idol has fallen into obscurity. They are good, but not great.

Theo Tams is fantastic. I think this kid has the potential to be one of Canada's top stars. Somebody write him an original song like "Collide" or "Arms of An Angel" and watch him take off.

I never get tired of listening to him sing. Enjoy these videos. The first are a little raw as they were his audition tapes, but it's just great to watch him develop in just a few short weeks. He's going to be a star.