Nance is bugging me again

My sister Nance is bugging me again to blog. I have been so negligent - there is just a lot going on right now and my mind can't handle one more thing. So, I received some great pics today. So for all of you who check here regularly, I'll add three pics a day for you to look at.

Simple Mathematics

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience. It has an indisputable mathematical logic. This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Better than a flu shot

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice ', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

Retirement Planning

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer/wine one year ago, drank all the beer/wine, then turned in the cans/bottlesfor the recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to Drink heavily and recycle.

To all my friends and family who have sent me best 'wishes', chain letters, 'angel' letters or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something, guess what?

NONE OF THAT SHIT WORKED!

Could you please just send Rum, chocolate, airline tickets, or a tank of gas instead?

Thank you!

Blogging from Prison

I read this morning that Conrad Black is blogging from prison. Shit, that sounds like fun.

So I get this email from my sister the other day nagging me because I haven't been blogging much lately and she checks everyday. I've been so busy with work that most of the humour has left my life, and the last thing you all want to read is a boring list of all the things I have to do today and why I don't have time to blog.

The obvious solution is to go to prison.

I mean think about it - someone like me - whose description of the perfect day is sitting for twelve hours in front of the computer, writing - it's a no brainer.

There would be no housework to do except I think they give you a chore like laundry (which I have to do here anyway) and it would take a total of three seconds to clean my room.

Apparently, there is also time to exercise each day. A forced exercise break. Imagine that? I'd love it! I've heard they've got nice gym equipment there, too, treadmills and elipticals, better stuff than I can afford to buy.

And then somebody would make my meals. Hear that? Someone else does the cooking! And probably the dishes, too. And then with no men around that means no sports on T.V. This sounds really good.

I think I'd adjust fine. I'm not a fussy eater, I don't smoke, don't do drugs and could easily quit my wine habit. I cut my hair short already and barely comb it and I wear sweatsuits most days. As long as I could take my computer along I'd be just fine. A three year sentence would be about right. I could finish all the novels I've started and write a flippin' fantastic blog.

Just think of it: "Life is Pretty Damn Interesting Inside these Prison Walls."

I could interview inmates, talk about their crimes, report on the day-to-day fights and shit that goes on. People love to talk about themselves and I'm a great listener so that would be my strategy for making friends.

Just so long as I don't have to participate in any of the squirmishes I'd be okay. I'd have to establish right off the bat that I'm just there as an observer - kinda like the reporter who goes to war with the troops but doesn't have to do any actual fighting.

I could offer to do all kinds of things in jail: I could teach a fitness class or do some personal training; help them set up a prison newspaper; teach a computer class; offer a creative writing workshop; evaluate a few manuscripts (I'm not qualifed to do any of this in regular society) but I figure, besides Conrad, how many people with my experience are locked up? Most writers end up in the looney bin or rehab. There is a real need for someone with my skills in prison.

And at the very least, I could bring along a few of my favourite recipes and whip up a pan of 'the cake with the yellow icing' during my turn in the kitchen (that is if I can get some coconut smuggled in). And my homemade fudge is TO DIE FOR. I could trade it for pretty much anything, like office supplies.

Now the question is: How do I get there.

I'm pretty squeamish so there can't be any blood involved. It would definitely have to be white collar crime. And should involve huge amounts of money. Of course the bonus would be if I could skim off and hide enough to pay off the farm in the process, it would make three years in the Big House worthwhile. I mean otherwise, we're looking at another 10 years of hard labour . . .

My strategy for getting along would include befriending the toughest inmate and the guards. It would be pretty easy to get on the good side of the guards because I'm quite helpful and don't mind being bossed around, so long as my efforts are appreciated. I'd also have to somehow let them all know that I have no interest in being anybody's Bitch. I mean, that would be pretty gross, so I'd have to take along my runners just in case. And of course that's why becoming best friends with one of the guards (preferrably a heterosexual female) would be my top priority.

Yes, if I went to jail my writing career would just take right off.

Excuse me now while I log off and do a search for "White Collar Crime for Dummies." Or maybe I'll just email Conrad . . .

Reporting Live from Momentum 2008 . . .

Fifteen years ago I stopped teaching fitness classes.

It wasn't a hard decision to make because life had become so complicated and difficult that I really had no choice. I've always looked back on those years with fondness though, and today when I walked through the doors at the Manitoba Fitness Council's 2008 Conference, it was as if I'd never left.

By the late 1980s I was teaching regular classes in town and attending every seminar and conference that was available. I could not get enough of it. I started a newsletter for Manitoba Fitness Leaders called "Fitnews." It was popular with leaders and grew to the point that I had to have it professionally printed. That is what led me to the folks that I became partners with in the printing and newspaper business in Ashern - hence the chaos that removed me from the fitness scene.

Two months ago when the MCPA decided to send the booth to this conference I was thrilled. In fact, I nearly jumped out of my seat at the Board Meeting when it came up. Not only was I looking forward to re-connecting with a part of my life that has at times felt completely forgotten, but it is a most excellent place to promote the health benefits of eating beef. Many people don't realize how seriously fitness instructors and personal trainers are about their work - these are well-informed professionals who wield tremendous influence - people you want on 'your side.'

Fortunately, the beef industry is producing a better product and doing a better job promoting it. I put together packages of information that I knew these instructors would read and then copy to distribute to their clients.

When I arrived first thing this morning, I recognized the energy immediately and some of the faces. I was thrilled to see Suzanne Peltier DiLazzaro - a good friend who I lost touch with after my exit from the fitness circuit (photo). The funny part is that both Suzanne and I were there manning a booth in the trade show - she quit teaching around the same time I did. We reminisced over lunch and I asked if she had seen Ruth lately. Ruth Brown (now Asper) owned Tights Studio on Stradbrook during the 1980s & 1990s. She was a fabulous instructor and I always admired her . . . Suzanne has seen Ruth periodically over the years because both are hockey moms.

In the way that life seems to come full circle, Ruth showed up at the conference to take in a few sessions. Now she is a personal trainer and I'm sure she is doing quite well.

So, I am having a fabulous day. I'm already planning to re-organize my exercise area in the basement and just might run by Costco on my way home and pick up the Norditrack treadmill that I've been eyeing the last few months.

I feel I am back on track . . .

Twenty years ago, almost to the day that I started the printing business that changed my life, I'm ready to go back to what started it all in the first place. I doubt that I'll ever teach again, at least not while living on the farm (when we retire, maybe?) but I've never thought that my time away from fitness was permanent. Now I know for sure that it will always be an important part of my life.

Suzanne & Ruth

Reporting Live from Momentum 2008 . . .

Canadian Idol

I watch Canadian Idol every year starting at the top 10. This year I watched a young man from Lethbridge sing "Collide" on the first show and fell absolutely in love with his voice. In my opinion, every other Canadian Idol has fallen into obscurity. They are good, but not great.

Theo Tams is fantastic. I think this kid has the potential to be one of Canada's top stars. Somebody write him an original song like "Collide" or "Arms of An Angel" and watch him take off.

I never get tired of listening to him sing. Enjoy these videos. The first are a little raw as they were his audition tapes, but it's just great to watch him develop in just a few short weeks. He's going to be a star.

All Canadian Idol Auditions - Part 5

Theo's first audition - halfway into this, but it's all pretty entertaining to watch.

Theo Tams - In The Arms of an Angel

Theo Tams - Weak In The Knees

Theo Tams - Collide

This kid from Alberta is the best Canadian Idol we've ever had. I never tire listening to this boy sing. Enjoy.

Theo Tams - Apologize

Theo Tams top 2 Good Mother

Theo's final song on the night of the deciding vote. It wasn't lost on me that he was sending out two messages: the first he was saying thank you to his parents. Secondly, he was letting us all know how bad he wants to win. And the kid is so astute musically, he gave up the band for this performance, cut back on the piano a bit and let us hear nothing but his voice. The judges knew exactly what he was trying to do. Win.

And he did.

I love this kind of passion.

BJORNSON CONGRATULATES MANITOBA SCHOOLS RANKED AMONG TOP 25 IN CANADA

Education, Citizenship and Youth Minister Peter Bjornson today congratulated three Manitoba schools selected among the top 25 in Canada in the Today’s Parent magazine Great Schools 2008 competition.

The magazine’s fifth annual survey of Canada’s “stellar schools” featured in the publication’s September 2008 issue includes the Lakeshore School Division’s Alf Cuthbert School in Moosehorn, the Pembina Trails School Division’s École Dieppe School in Winnipeg and the Winnipeg School Division’s Luxton School.

“It was exciting to learn that three public schools were selected by an independent publication and characterized as excellent on a national scale,” Bjornson said. “This news supports our view that Manitoba has one of the highest-quality public education systems in Canada and I congratulate the schools and divisions for their exceptional work.”

The minister noted the Manitoba government has significantly increased public school funding over the past nine years and will fund 80 per cent of the total cost of public education through general revenues by the 2011-12 school year. The 2008-09 investment in public school grants was more than $1 billion for the first time in Manitoba history.

Alf Cuthbert School in Moosehorn, a Manitoba Interlake community, won in the Real Respect category. The magazine quoted one parent as saying there is “an unwavering expectation of good citizenship” at this school. Students from higher grades pitch in to help younger students with breakfast programs and lunch preparation. Older students help to run intramural sports programs. Christmas dinner is served by support staff each year.

École Dieppe School, located in west Winnipeg, won in the Terrific Teachers category. As one example, music teacher Andrea Wicha helped her students bring home a large number of awards from the Winnipeg International Music Festival. Her music students also performed a composition they wrote with the Manitoba Chamber Orchestra.

In central Winnipeg, Luxton School won in the Community Commitment category. A school family centre is organized and staffed by parents and volunteers who hold activities for students and their families. The school offers adult upgrading programs, English courses evenings and weekends, and a recreational program for children. According to Today’s Parent, this award is about helping students learn they belong to a wider community capable of handling cultural, recreational, social and emotional enrichment programs.

“As a former teacher, I know first-hand that it takes more than a building with desks and books to make a great school,” Bjornson said. “The real credit belongs to the teachers, students and families who have made their schools clearly stand out against a backdrop of thousands across the country.”

It's all about Cattle Country

Wow, what a tough couple of weeks.
We've been fighting rain all summer. Our part of the Interlake has seen more rain than we can handle and we only have half of the hay we need to feed the cows this winter. Dealing with this personally and having to write about it in Cattle Country was hard. Mark said that he'd worry about home and it was my job to worry about everyone else. It's been a long week trying to find out if there is going to be any financial help for producers who have to buy/bring in feed this fall. We still don't have all the answers finalized.

On an optimistic note, I created a new blog!
I made a blog for the paper so that anyone can access the information online. I think this is going to be an excellent resource for people and while it will take some time to get going, it's going to help with some of the challenges of putting out only eight papers a year. I've added the link on this blog so you can check it out.

The book is coming along really well. I haven't been able to work on it the last few weeks, but I'll be back at it first thing tomorrow morning. The plan is to have it done by Christmas.

Well, better go. Check out the other blogs.

So true . . .

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!