Blogging from Prison

I read this morning that Conrad Black is blogging from prison. Shit, that sounds like fun.

So I get this email from my sister the other day nagging me because I haven't been blogging much lately and she checks everyday. I've been so busy with work that most of the humour has left my life, and the last thing you all want to read is a boring list of all the things I have to do today and why I don't have time to blog.

The obvious solution is to go to prison.

I mean think about it - someone like me - whose description of the perfect day is sitting for twelve hours in front of the computer, writing - it's a no brainer.

There would be no housework to do except I think they give you a chore like laundry (which I have to do here anyway) and it would take a total of three seconds to clean my room.

Apparently, there is also time to exercise each day. A forced exercise break. Imagine that? I'd love it! I've heard they've got nice gym equipment there, too, treadmills and elipticals, better stuff than I can afford to buy.

And then somebody would make my meals. Hear that? Someone else does the cooking! And probably the dishes, too. And then with no men around that means no sports on T.V. This sounds really good.

I think I'd adjust fine. I'm not a fussy eater, I don't smoke, don't do drugs and could easily quit my wine habit. I cut my hair short already and barely comb it and I wear sweatsuits most days. As long as I could take my computer along I'd be just fine. A three year sentence would be about right. I could finish all the novels I've started and write a flippin' fantastic blog.

Just think of it: "Life is Pretty Damn Interesting Inside these Prison Walls."

I could interview inmates, talk about their crimes, report on the day-to-day fights and shit that goes on. People love to talk about themselves and I'm a great listener so that would be my strategy for making friends.

Just so long as I don't have to participate in any of the squirmishes I'd be okay. I'd have to establish right off the bat that I'm just there as an observer - kinda like the reporter who goes to war with the troops but doesn't have to do any actual fighting.

I could offer to do all kinds of things in jail: I could teach a fitness class or do some personal training; help them set up a prison newspaper; teach a computer class; offer a creative writing workshop; evaluate a few manuscripts (I'm not qualifed to do any of this in regular society) but I figure, besides Conrad, how many people with my experience are locked up? Most writers end up in the looney bin or rehab. There is a real need for someone with my skills in prison.

And at the very least, I could bring along a few of my favourite recipes and whip up a pan of 'the cake with the yellow icing' during my turn in the kitchen (that is if I can get some coconut smuggled in). And my homemade fudge is TO DIE FOR. I could trade it for pretty much anything, like office supplies.

Now the question is: How do I get there.

I'm pretty squeamish so there can't be any blood involved. It would definitely have to be white collar crime. And should involve huge amounts of money. Of course the bonus would be if I could skim off and hide enough to pay off the farm in the process, it would make three years in the Big House worthwhile. I mean otherwise, we're looking at another 10 years of hard labour . . .

My strategy for getting along would include befriending the toughest inmate and the guards. It would be pretty easy to get on the good side of the guards because I'm quite helpful and don't mind being bossed around, so long as my efforts are appreciated. I'd also have to somehow let them all know that I have no interest in being anybody's Bitch. I mean, that would be pretty gross, so I'd have to take along my runners just in case. And of course that's why becoming best friends with one of the guards (preferrably a heterosexual female) would be my top priority.

Yes, if I went to jail my writing career would just take right off.

Excuse me now while I log off and do a search for "White Collar Crime for Dummies." Or maybe I'll just email Conrad . . .

Reporting Live from Momentum 2008 . . .

Fifteen years ago I stopped teaching fitness classes.

It wasn't a hard decision to make because life had become so complicated and difficult that I really had no choice. I've always looked back on those years with fondness though, and today when I walked through the doors at the Manitoba Fitness Council's 2008 Conference, it was as if I'd never left.

By the late 1980s I was teaching regular classes in town and attending every seminar and conference that was available. I could not get enough of it. I started a newsletter for Manitoba Fitness Leaders called "Fitnews." It was popular with leaders and grew to the point that I had to have it professionally printed. That is what led me to the folks that I became partners with in the printing and newspaper business in Ashern - hence the chaos that removed me from the fitness scene.

Two months ago when the MCPA decided to send the booth to this conference I was thrilled. In fact, I nearly jumped out of my seat at the Board Meeting when it came up. Not only was I looking forward to re-connecting with a part of my life that has at times felt completely forgotten, but it is a most excellent place to promote the health benefits of eating beef. Many people don't realize how seriously fitness instructors and personal trainers are about their work - these are well-informed professionals who wield tremendous influence - people you want on 'your side.'

Fortunately, the beef industry is producing a better product and doing a better job promoting it. I put together packages of information that I knew these instructors would read and then copy to distribute to their clients.

When I arrived first thing this morning, I recognized the energy immediately and some of the faces. I was thrilled to see Suzanne Peltier DiLazzaro - a good friend who I lost touch with after my exit from the fitness circuit (photo). The funny part is that both Suzanne and I were there manning a booth in the trade show - she quit teaching around the same time I did. We reminisced over lunch and I asked if she had seen Ruth lately. Ruth Brown (now Asper) owned Tights Studio on Stradbrook during the 1980s & 1990s. She was a fabulous instructor and I always admired her . . . Suzanne has seen Ruth periodically over the years because both are hockey moms.

In the way that life seems to come full circle, Ruth showed up at the conference to take in a few sessions. Now she is a personal trainer and I'm sure she is doing quite well.

So, I am having a fabulous day. I'm already planning to re-organize my exercise area in the basement and just might run by Costco on my way home and pick up the Norditrack treadmill that I've been eyeing the last few months.

I feel I am back on track . . .

Twenty years ago, almost to the day that I started the printing business that changed my life, I'm ready to go back to what started it all in the first place. I doubt that I'll ever teach again, at least not while living on the farm (when we retire, maybe?) but I've never thought that my time away from fitness was permanent. Now I know for sure that it will always be an important part of my life.

Suzanne & Ruth

Reporting Live from Momentum 2008 . . .